Daniel's first anniversary

Today marks the first anniversary since Daniel's first and final 'goodbye' to us. This day last year - 19 June 2020 - was the saddest day of my life.

Since then, not a single day passes when I do not think of Daniel. My heart aches each time. But I tell myself to be sad but not broken, and to do justice to the freedom that Daniel gave to us with his departure. To live well so that Daniel will look down from heaven with joy. 

Exactly at 8.32am in the morning, Daniel breathed his last after he had the chance to hear my mother's voice. The one thing I'm thankful for is that Daniel got to hear from the people that mattered to him before he left, and mother was one of them. 

How his eyes widened at the sound of her voice. And he moved his jaws. I know he recognised her voice and was responding to her in his own way. I am sure there were things he wanted to say - many things - but couldn't and that's really the hardest part. Being unable to express himself because he was not gifted with speech. That's really heartbreaking. 

Shortly after the video call, the nurse fussed around Daniel. I quickly realised that the oxygen level in his blood was falling. I thought perhaps the clip was not in place and lifted his hand to check. But the oxygen level kept falling and the nurse kept changing the oxygen supply. In a matter of seconds, it dropped to zero and the colour left Daniel's face. His face and lips were white, his eyes remained wide opened. I realised at that moment that Daniel had left us. 

It was hard. It was sad. 

Up till that moment, my life had centred around my son. Everything I did was with him in mind. When I finally accepted that he would never be able to help himself, I resolved to take good care of myself so that I would be able to take good care of him all his life. We would grow old together. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him in a nursing home one day. I had told him that I would always be there for him. And my prayers had always been that God would me and my husband healthy and strong so that we would always be able to take care of Daniel.

Life has a way of granting us our wish but not in the way we imagine. I did take care of Daniel all the days of his life but we didn't get to grow old together. 

Today we went to visit him at Mandai. 

It felt like yesterday

How time flies. It's coming to a year since you left us, son.

This time last year, you were already very sick but mummy had no idea at all. Mummy didn't know that less than a month later, you would leave us. I was still doing my own thing at the computer with you sitting next to mummy.

Yet the signs were there. In the last few months of your earthly life, you had lost weight. You were already skinny to begin with. I watched with a deep sense of helplessness at your bony frame wrapped with skin, how your buttock muscles had wasted away. What was happening in your body? You couldn't tell us. I'm so sorry.

Then you had an epileptic fit on the night of Sunday 7 June 2020. It lasted for more than an hour. We tried to take care of you on our own. All the years, we took care of your and nursed you back to health whenever you fell sick. Except for the time when you were 2+ years old, we had avoided the hospital.

There was the time when you were in your early teens, and fell sick with high fever and a resulting fit. We took care of you too, and sucked the phlegm from your throat. You were so sick for almost a month but eventually you recovered.

When you had the fit on Sunday, and the fit kept coming back, and became more frequent, mummy was anxious, confused and afraid. I really wanted to call for an ambulance. At the same time, I was so afraid I would not be allowed to visit you in hospital as we were in Phase 1 after the Circuit Breaker.

Eventually, on 10 June, we brought you to Tan Tock Seng Hospital where you were admitted straightaway. I had hope against hope that it would just like the time when you were in your early teens, so sick and yet you recovered. But it didn't happen that way this time.

Not a single day passed when mummy does not think of you. You are my dearest son. Time will not wash away the pain.

My life is being given as an offering for God. The time has come for me to leave this life here. I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have served the Lord faithfully.

2 Timothy 4:6-7, ERV